Have you ever been in a tough relationship and asked yourself how in the world you got there? [fbq]
At some point before things turned sour, there were signs that this guy wasn’t the right one, but you chose to ignore them. Often times, as women, we can become so blinded by our emotions and desires that we ignore and excuse key red flags that could save us from heartbreak and misery.
Here are 7 Red Flags that will help you know when to run at the sight of them!
1. Immaturity & Unpredictability.
When a man is unpredictable, it indicates his inability to be consistent. This is a sign of immaturity. In the context of a relationship, you need consistency and stability. You cannot find consistency in a relationship with a man who is not mature enough to be in a relationship to begin with.
Some of the major ways that immaturity shows up are in a man’s attitude, how he handles his business, and how he handles his money. If he is unstable in any of those areas, it’s a sure-tell sign that maybe he’s not ready for to be fully committed in a relationship with you.
2. Trust or Lack of Trust.
If a guy proves early on that he is not trustworthy, chances are that it won’t get any better from there. I’ve had my fair share of relationships, and, in the past, I would excuse obvious red flags that I wish I had not ignored.
One time, I was exclusively dating a guy and came across several text messages in his phone from several other women. I am not one to go through phones, but I happened to be using his phone at the time and messages began to pop up on his phone. It was an indication that he was not trustworthy, but I chose to stick around because of his apology and profession of “love” for me. Looking back at how the relationship progressed from there and eventually ended, I should have taken the first sign and left when he proved not to be trustworthy the first time around.
Trust is required for a relationship to be effective. If a man proves to be less than integral in that area, you should run the opposite direction. He needs help, and you don’t need to be stuck in the middle of that mess. Trust me, it will be an absolute mess the longer you stick around.
3. Extreme Insecurity
An insecure man will never be secure about his role in your life. This becomes problematic because an insecure guy will always try to overcompensate in the areas that he’s lacking in. He may also try to control what you do and where you go so that he doesn’t lose you. He may be so afraid of the possibility of losing you that he’s troubled anytime you have a girls’ night out or when you don’t pick up the phone when he calls.
The reason you should run at the first sight of extreme insecurity is because insecurity is an issue that man needs to deal with on his own. If he is not secure enough in his own identity, how do you expect him to be secure in his role in your life? Chances are that he’s using you to fill a void in his life to make him feel more secure in his manhood because of your “need” for him. How would you expect him to effectively lead your relationship from a place of insecurity? Not good. Avoid insecure men at all costs.
4. Secrets of the Past.
When secrets of a man’s past begin to be unveiled from anybody outside of him, it’s absolutely reasonable for you to question why you did not find out from him. Everyone has a past, but, when in a committed relationship, transparency is extremely important. When a guy is hiding things from you, it’s another indication that he may not be worthy of your trust.
You have to question why your guy never told you about these secrets to begin with. You also have to question what else he hasn’t told you. Of course, you should discuss any of these secrets you find out with him, however don’t be naive or negligent of the truth.
5. He’s Still in Communication with his Ex
This is a tricky subject, but the reality is that if a guy is still in communication with an ex-girlfriend, there’s still something that he’s holding onto. Ex-girlfriends should be a thing of the past, not the present.
I’ve been in several relationships where I’ve known that a guy was in communication with his ex-girlfriend, and I grew very insecure about it. In the moment, I tried to convince myself to be secure about my role in his life and know that his communication with his ex was not that big of a deal. I wished I listened to my gut instincts because his communication with his ex was a big deal. Each of the relationships I was involved in like that ended, and I later found out that the guy ended up dating or getting back with his ex-girlfriend later down the line.
When a guy’s in communication with his ex-girlfriend, he’s leaving room for possibility. In the event you all don’t work out, he’s leaving her as an option to go back to. Similar to my case, he may even be using the ex-girlfriend as an option when you’re not around or not willing to “give it up” in a relationship. Sad, yet, sometimes very true.
6. Signs of Crazy, Control or Abusiveness.
Let’s be honest, the signs of crazy, control, and abuse show up long before an extreme situation actually happens. The key is to refuse to be blind-folded and not to ignore or excuse instances that shed light on these areas.
When a man is controlling, crazy, needy, or abusive in any way, it shows up in his character. I’ve been in relationships where guys have been extremely controlling about where I go, what I do, and how I live my life. Not only that, but I’ve experienced control and emotional abuse that I did not consider abuse, at first. It’s one thing to get into a verbal argument, but the moment that a disagreement shifts into a tone of disrespect and tears you down, it has become a form of abuse and control.
The interesting thing is that you are given signs and glimpses of a guy’s character, and it’s up to you to decide whether or not you should continue to progress. Do not be naive to think that “small” signs of crazy won’t ever become extreme. Guard your heart in all that you do to make sure you’re making the right decision to stay or not.
7. A Gut Feeling that Ain’t Right
Your instincts are often a great way to really know how to avoid a relationship with the wrong guy. Trust what you know and your gut feeling. Often times, your instincts are very accurate. If you ever feel like a guy may not be the right one for you, you might want to reconsider and trust your gut.
Be free to go…
Once you see any of these red flags, you might want to find a plan of escape. Seriously, remember that you are not obligated to be involved with anyone. You have to know your worth and understand that you deserve better than to be treated in a way that’s less than what you deserve.
Examine your relationships and make sure that you don’t make the wrong decision by involving yourself with someone who does not truly understand your value. You’re worth more than rubies and diamonds, girl! Act like it!